Hey everyone! This is my very first post and not a very special one.
Just thought I would put something on here. My writings are, just so you know,
very basic and I like to keep it that way. as to not confuse whomever is reading it. Any
advice is much appreciated and welcome. After all, there is always room for improvement!
Hope you find this to your liking.
______________________________
Once Upon a Time
By Dustin Drake ©
There once was a time
When you were mine
you held me in your arms
My sweet valentine
Though it has come to pass
I wish it would have come to last
A lifetime
Till we were old and grey
That is what I used to pray
Sometimes even to this day
This just isn’t fair
I was taken away
Without a say
For months on end
I waited for you
To send a message
Is it that we’re through?
All this time I’ve missed you
But have you missed me to?
There are nights
When I am all alone
No one is home
I feel so scared
Wishing you were there
Laying at my side
To my school and family
I must abide
If I could be free
You would surely see
How much on earth I love you
Without your love I’m incomplete
Although the risk may be steep
I’m willing to sacrifice everything
It has gone so deep
The feelings you made me feel
Like no one else You’re not cheap
With you lies pride and dignity
Honesty not deceit
Please my love
Come back to me
So I may sleep
In peace
Like that once upon a time
When you were mine
When you would hold me in your arms
My one and only
Sweet Valentine.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
The poem expresses true emotion and really hits the heart to read it. I personally think that it is very good and enjoyed the rhyme scheme: instead of being in specific lines it was all over the place, coming from the heart rather than the pen.
the poem is very heartfelt. Haha marry me! Just kidding. I agree with everyone when they say that you need a rhyme scheme. You can make it more of a free verse and not have amy rhyming whatsoever. Or you could just stick with a rhyme scheme.either way the idea and most of the wording is amazing. Good job!!
Hey there Dustin (heehee, like Dustin the Turkey! If you don't know, it's best you don't ask). I'm Stella, your average bubbly little newly-appointed Instructor who has delved into the Poetry Section for a rare exploration of the world of verse.
Whew, long introduction.
Okay, DD, since this is your first post, perhaps you haven't read our rules. There is a rule here at YWS that says that for every one piece of your own work you submit, you should review two other peoples. So what I need from you is two reviews on absolutely anything that catches your eye. It's just to keep YWS running smoothly. Plus, it's common courtesy.
Now, onto the review. Hmm... I rarely review poetry so bear with me... can you do nitpicks with poetry? Eh, I'll just run with it.
I. NITPICKS
This is capitalised at the end, but not here. I think that Valentine should have a capital, if not sweet.
The first line has something of Galadriel about it. "Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass." That's the idea. In your context, you're saying that it's past. Maybe some rewording required?
"To" isn't quite right, but I can't think of the word you need. Maybe no preposition. "Sometimes even today." Perhaps... still?
Too, not to.
On Earth? Sounds a bit off.
Is this supposed to be two lines?
Right so.
II. RHYTHM AND RHYME
You got rhyme, but you ain't got rhythm.
Moving away from my weird ghetto/some type of movie voice, it's true. But rhyme doesn't work with out rhythm, it just sounds wrong and forced. Say your poem to yourself, and you'll see where you've got too many syllables and where you don't have enough.
Also, remember that it isn't always necessary to rhyme. Some of the best poems don't. If rhyme doesn't work, then leave it. It isn't necessary.
III. STORY
Your poem is telling a story, but I'm unclear as to just what that story is. Make it clearer. Has he moved away? And his girlfriend doesn't write/text/email? Harsh. But if they were in love, surely they would. And if they weren't in love, well, why is he in a bad mood? What's wrong, what was right? Your stanzas are a bit contradictory, some say he was taken away, some say he wants her to come back (assuming he's a boy and she's a girl, that is).
Perhaps you're drawing out the poem too much, and by cutting it down you'll make it clearer.
IV. OVERALL
It just seemed a little forced, is all, but you have a good voice and an interesting theme.
I hope I've helped, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
>ah...but why was the speaker taken away?..really, it's unfair.
>it will be hard for the speaker to move on..because he (i think it's a guy) loves the girl very much..
I agree. It is clever, but you need a rhyme scheme. Maybe you should go back and edit it a little.
If you need any help just PM me.
~jumper
I liked it, but the ryming is all over the place...
still it's well written you've just got refine it a bit.
Replace feelings with things it looks better